Post by PandaLover on Aug 26, 2007 23:08:55 GMT -5
Ok, so here is the story I sent in for the Writing portion of the Beauty Contest. 
If you have instructive criticism, I'd love to hear it, that way I can become better and improve on whatever I may have done wrong.
~.~.~.~
Her Trip to Disney
Walking threw the gates, her heart raced excitedly. Uzuri bounded threw the bridge, seeing all the extravagant rides and characters. She opened the map she had picked up at the and began directing her eyes every which way of it. Adventure Land, Frontier Land, Fantasy Land, Tomorrow Land….
She began skipping toward Fantasy Land, when she came along the castle, and in front of it, a person in a blue dress with blonde hair. Cinderella! She gasped with excitement and ran toward her, “Can I have a picture, please?” She asked, and Cinderella accepted with a happy smile. Uzuri then realized she hadn’t brought a camera! She glanced around, looking for someone with a camera. She saw an elderly lady with a Polaroid camera. The pink and blue Pykiin ran toward the person, and asked, “Can you take a picture of me with Cinderella?”
“Sure, dear,” the kind woman replied, readying her camera.
Uzuri ran back to Cinderella and sat down, grinning as the lady took her picture. “Thanks!” She said to Cinderella before running back to the woman to get her picture.
Next she went to see a large round circulating thing which her map called a ‘carousel’. She pranced to it and waited in line for a few minutes before entering the gate and taking a seat on a white horse with a pink and gold saddle. As the ride went around, her horse moved up and down she giggled in delight. When the ride stopped, she got off, and looked for the next ride she wanted to try.
Exiting Fantasy Land, she went toward the place called ‘Tomorrow Land’. She looked around, and saw a large, cylinder-like building, and a sign in front saying that the ride was called Space Mountain. Going forward, she saw the large line. “If a ride has a line like this,” she reasoned with herself, “then it must be good!”
Eventually she made it threw the doors and the ‘crew members’ seated her in one of the carts to the roller coaster, and the cart slowly began to move upward, before stopping and dropping downward faster than she’d seen anyone ever fly. Music from the background played loudly as the cart flew by the imprinted stars in the room
When she got off the ride, she realized sadly walked to the gates of the park, knowing it was time to leave. She looked at the park and her picture each one last time, “What a great day,” she sighed, walking toward the spot where she was supposed to meet her Guardian.
If you have instructive criticism, I'd love to hear it, that way I can become better and improve on whatever I may have done wrong.
~.~.~.~
Her Trip to Disney
Walking threw the gates, her heart raced excitedly. Uzuri bounded threw the bridge, seeing all the extravagant rides and characters. She opened the map she had picked up at the and began directing her eyes every which way of it. Adventure Land, Frontier Land, Fantasy Land, Tomorrow Land….
She began skipping toward Fantasy Land, when she came along the castle, and in front of it, a person in a blue dress with blonde hair. Cinderella! She gasped with excitement and ran toward her, “Can I have a picture, please?” She asked, and Cinderella accepted with a happy smile. Uzuri then realized she hadn’t brought a camera! She glanced around, looking for someone with a camera. She saw an elderly lady with a Polaroid camera. The pink and blue Pykiin ran toward the person, and asked, “Can you take a picture of me with Cinderella?”
“Sure, dear,” the kind woman replied, readying her camera.
Uzuri ran back to Cinderella and sat down, grinning as the lady took her picture. “Thanks!” She said to Cinderella before running back to the woman to get her picture.
Next she went to see a large round circulating thing which her map called a ‘carousel’. She pranced to it and waited in line for a few minutes before entering the gate and taking a seat on a white horse with a pink and gold saddle. As the ride went around, her horse moved up and down she giggled in delight. When the ride stopped, she got off, and looked for the next ride she wanted to try.
Exiting Fantasy Land, she went toward the place called ‘Tomorrow Land’. She looked around, and saw a large, cylinder-like building, and a sign in front saying that the ride was called Space Mountain. Going forward, she saw the large line. “If a ride has a line like this,” she reasoned with herself, “then it must be good!”
Eventually she made it threw the doors and the ‘crew members’ seated her in one of the carts to the roller coaster, and the cart slowly began to move upward, before stopping and dropping downward faster than she’d seen anyone ever fly. Music from the background played loudly as the cart flew by the imprinted stars in the room
When she got off the ride, she realized sadly walked to the gates of the park, knowing it was time to leave. She looked at the park and her picture each one last time, “What a great day,” she sighed, walking toward the spot where she was supposed to meet her Guardian.
